When it came to launching my very successful birthday fundraiser for ALK+ cancer research, I was actually hesitant to create an official Facebook fundraiser, because I have several coworkers as friends even though I am not “out” at work. I am pretty sure my boss was smart enough to Google me before she hired me, and the first search results are this blog and a local TV news story about my treatment. However, she’s never indicated she knows anything about my diagnosis. It’s the quintessential “elephant in the room.”

Having a fundraiser outside of Facebook allowed me to block my coworkers from reading the posts (as I do with all my cancer-related updates). If there is a way to filter who sees an official Facebook fundraiser, I couldn’t figure it out.

Only recently did I start dropping hints by telling coworkers I had a condition that put me at very high risk for COVID-19. I haven’t been any more specific than that and nobody has pressed for more details. I recently had to decline a happy hour invitation to celebrate a coworker who is transferring to another team. I explained that I can’t drink anymore and that I am strenuously avoiding gatherings of any size. My coworkers don’t seem curious at all why I can’t drink beer, even though they know I love brewing and was a craft beer lover! That’s because my cancer medication has incurred some moderate scarring/damage to my liver over the last there years, and both my oncologist and liver specialist said consuming any alcohol would only make it worse.

My coworkers did not press for more details, and, on the one hand, I appreciate their respect for my privacy. When I started my current job in 2018, one coworker looked me right in the eyes and said, “I don’t want to know about other peoples’ problems.” It’s true that we all have enough on our plate; on the other hand, I sometimes wish they would express little more interest in me!

So far, my employer is only encouraging people to come into the office on a voluntary basis. Nevertheless, my doctor sent a letter to my boss explaining that I was high risk and should not return to the office anytime soon, but that did not provoke any further inquiries either from my boss or any HR managers. Until there is a vaccine and/or effective treatment, I will resist going back to the office as much as I can. I have been working remotely since the shutdown in March, and there’s no reason I can’t keep working at home for the foreseeable future. In fact, I hardly leave the apartment at all anymore, except for occasional visits with my parents or my girlfriend Nataliya (with masks and social distancing of course!).

My cancer diagnosis has caused me to lead a double life, because, in the pre-COVID era, I spent 9-10 hours a day with my coworkers who seemingly never knew about my condition. I am certainly not shy about discussing it in almost every other setting, except for work. At some point they might need to know, but right now I would prefer they don’t find out via a Facebook fundraiser!

I can certainly tell you that hiding a cancer diagnosis from my workers is not nearly as fun as being an international spy or secret agent. However, it’s extremely common for people to compartmentalize their lives and lead double lives in various ways (usually an extramarital affair). In fact, anyone who reads this blog could be a member of the international brotherhood of deceivers!

I have considered telling my coworkers at various points in the past 2 years since I was hired. However, I’ve always decided to defer disclosure until it becomes necessary. I was furloughed from work for several weeks during the shutdown in the spring, which showed me that I was lower on the seniority totem pole than I thought. Several more junior members of the team stayed on the job when I thought they would have been ahead of me “on the chopping block.” It was actually perfect timing to be furloughed, because I had my second round of radiation treatment at the same time. Plus, with the extra $600 in unemployment assistance, it was like a paid vacation with a raise. In the end, I preferred being furloughed to being at work!

Since the furlough proved that I have a target on my back, I fear that disclosing a cancer diagnosis would only move me to the top of list for additional furloughs or layoffs. I would like to think my boss would stick up for me but probably only as long as her own job wasn’t threatened. Cancer is tremendously expensive for employers and totaled about $264 billion in 2010. In fact, my employer provided insurance plan tried at the start of 2020 to deny coverage for my medication, which costs $14,000 (a month!!!). Eventually, my doctor convinced them to keep paying for it, much to my relief.

You might be thinking, “Isn’t it illegal to fire someone simply because they have cancer?” Yes, it is! Cancer is considered a disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and employers are required to provide reasonable accommodations. As of yet, I don’t need any accommodations so disclosing my diagnosis would serve no real purpose other than to draw unwanted attention. Regardless, employers still frequently fire workers who are diagnosed with cancer. I could probably get another job, or I might win a nice legal settlement if I were illegally terminated from my position. But, with COVID still raging, I’d rather not have to deal with any extra stress.

I certainly want to tell my coworkers about my diagnosis and, if I did, I am sure the news would shock and sadden them. They probably would have contributed generously to my recent fundraiser, and I suppose I left “money on the table” by keeping them in the dark. On the other hand, they did buy and hand-deliver some delicious macaroons (one of every type) from the Macaron Bar (sic). It was very thoughtful since COVID scrapped my planned return to Paris and Normandy this year. But for the foreseeable future, it seems like everyone will keep pretending like nothing is wrong.